A Not-So-Peaceful CNY

These past two weeks alone, I got news of four deaths.
Yes, four.

One was a neighbour — wheelchair-bound for quite some time, health declining. Somehow, even when we think we are prepared, it still feels sudden when the news comes.

One was a close friend’s mum.
This one hit harder than I expected. Perhaps it was the fact that I wasn’t informed. Not because I needed to be involved, but maybe just to help, to show up, or to pay my last respects. By the time I knew, it was already over.

My coach said to me, “Maybe she didn’t need the help.”
That gave me a different perspective. Still, it stirred something in me.

The other two were from Angel Hearts — babies.
23 and 24 weeks. Too small. Too soon.

Hearing the bereaved mother share… it felt too close for comfort. She had just gone through brain surgery herself and was still dealing with the after-effects. And then this.

I found myself at a loss for words.

So much has happened since the start of the month. It feels like everyone is just doing life their own way — if it aligns with me, good. If not, it’s okay too. I’ve almost come to a point of saying, “Whatever.”

Not out of bitterness.
But out of exhaustion.

I am tired — physically, mentally, emotionally.

As I navigate my own storm, all I really want is to walk through it peacefully. Yet someone said to me, “There is no such thing as going through it peacefully.”

Is that true? I honestly don’t know.

For now, all I can see is this:

One step at a time.
One day at a time.

That’s as far as my vision goes.

Maybe clarity will come soon.
Maybe it won’t.

For now… this is enough.