29th Feb 2024 – A Memorable Day

 In Books, Miscarriage, To Baby With Love

Today will have been Dominic Low 12th year old birthday, that is if he is here with us… Today was his EDD except it was way back in 2012. He was supposed to be born in the year of Dragon which I was reminded some days back. I had been waking up at 4am for past few days already, not sure why, feeling unsure, uncertainty.

I was somehow being led to Nirvana Memorial Garden yesterday unknowingly and unprepared only to realise the Choa Chu Kang Columbarium is besides it. Not that I have a concern to it usually except because today is the special day, too close for comfort… So I had to visit the Columbarium there after to see my angel boys. Stepping out to the Columbarium since covid, I cried all the way while walking to it. It felt like as if it happened yesterday. I was crying and shaking. The memories were fresh partially I was also sharing to the person who brought me to Nirvana about the ashes, the process that we went through back then.

Sad to say, it hurt and still hurt! Seeing the person shared the Nirvana niches, being spacious and able to decorate any way they wanted pained me. Back then Nirvana wasn’t establish yet, we were not given a choice! Not that we will choose Nirvana, is more of we don’t have this option then. The coffin is only 1 size, only 1 or 2 choices to the urn, mostly we don’t have much choice…

I was at the niches playing some music which I now knew why it kept on ringing in my head for past few days. Told myself, I will only stay for 30minutes till 2pm to dwell in it and as if God knew I will exceed my time (Mind you, I am a very time sensitive person). The lady of my next appointment called at 1.59pm saying that her appointment ended early and she can meet me earlier. It forced me to snap out of it and to be on my way. And as if not enough, everything thereafter seems to be triggering, the timing on the grab and etc. Told myself to march on as tomorrow is the actual day yet to come…

Came today, 29th Feb which so happen we needed to be at AH warehouse. 2 guys came over to find out more about AH. As I was sharing, my heart bled inside me, but I can’t stop, can’t think so I just kept talking, I talked for an hour non stop so that I have no time to process my emotions or else I will cry there and then. One of the guy who is a father as well, shared that he felt the heavy heart just when he was walking towards the warehouse unit. Thereafter the warehouse, we went directly for our Core Team lunch. All went well except my bag dropped off from my seat, my glass locket keychain broke. Inside the keychain is supposed to have 3 crystals, 1 blue representing Dominic, 2 purple representing the twin Elvis and Louis. Because of the impact, the cover came off and I lost the blue crystal as a result, what are the chances. I am just speechless, lost of words. Of all things to happen, it has to be today and the blue crystal… yet I have to pretend nothing happen and carried on with the lunch as no one knew the significance behind it. It was hard, damn hard and not forgetting I had another appointment after lunch. I went for it with my heart bleeding inside, frankly I just wish that I get knocked down by a car and be done. I just felt like dying, what’s the point of fighting, struggling so much, just let go… These 2 days have been a lot of numbers flashing in as if telling me some messages but I can’t tell or chose not to know as I just don’t want to talk about it.

After my appointment, I hopped onto a bus straight home and cried all the way back. As I have to hurry back to pick my boy to go out to collect his new bicycle. At the back of my head, I just want to pass through the day peacefully and smoothly. Just when I thought at least it went well for the bicycle collection, on the way back, my boy made a comment, “Mummy, in case you don’t know, today is 29th Feb, leap day.” I asked him what about it? He said, nothing special except it only happen every 4 years. I was crushed! So I couldn’t bear but told him, “Today is a special day, 29th Feb is Dominic EDD, he will have been 12 years old if he is here… So today is a memorable day…”.


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